Alaska bear with tasty chicken treat/YouTube

Anchorage’s growing problem

Ya got trouble, my friends, right here in Anchor Town.

And that starts with a “T” and that rhymes with “B” and that stands for birds!

Chickens, namely. Backyard chickens.

And no, we ain’t talkin’ that “bird flu” that’s the backyard chicken problem of that place Alaskans call Outside.

No, no, no.

We got another “B”-related chicken problem: Bears.

Them bears love chickens. And some folks on the Anchorage Hillside gotta have their chickens ’cause backyard chickens are one of the trendiest of trendy American trends.

Why, who wants to go back to the farm when you can bring the farm to the city with your own little pen fulla clucky chickens?

But them bears can be a big pain in the “B” for butt when they get a taste for chicken. Hard to keep ’em out of the coup once they figure out raw tastes as good as Kentucky Fried.

Now, you could put up one of those electric fences suggested by the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, but thankfully it’s the year 2025 and we’ve moved beyond that “listen to the scientists” nonsense. 

Why half the time those scientists start talking all that science talk and you can’t even understand what they’re sayin’ anyway. Hell, they told President Donald Trump that chloroquine might work as a treatment against that Covid-19, and he told Americans, and next thing you knew, some guy was dead in Arizona from drinkin’ some he used to treat his koi fish, the backyard chickens of the aquatic crowd.

Not to mention that a man has to spend more than $100 on one of them electric fences, and if they’re gonna cost that much, a guy might as well go buy some damn eggs at the grocery store.

Or maybe call them Fish and Game guys to come shot the damn bears that shouldn’t be trying to steal chickens from people in the first place. Bears in this city are worse than the homeless overrunning Anchorage parks.

Stealin’ my propane tanks is one thing, but eating my chickens?

That’s trouble. That’s serious trouble that starts with a “T” and that rhymes with “B” and that stands for bears!

Isn’t it about time the damn gubberment do somethin’ useful and fix this problem that starts with a “P” and that rhymes with “B,” and it stands for bears! Bears, dammit! Bears!