Queen of Chutzpah


Candidate Kitty Hafner’s campaign photo

In the spirit of the election season, it’s time to celebrate Democrat Carol “Kitty” Hafner, the former flight attendant, National Education Association member and self-proclaimed ‘biotechnology industry professional” now hoping to win her party’s nomination to challenge the long unbeatable Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, in the general election this fall.

Where but in the good, old U.S.A. could a 64-year-old, know-it-all from South Dakota run for election to Congress from Alaska where, in her own words, “the negative environmental effects of (oil) drilling will impact every aspect of Alaska’s economy – and, as far as increasing an oil surplus, basic economics dictates that increasing the available supply will simply further drive down the cost of oil on the market. None of it makes any sense except to those pockets of the drilling companies and their cronies that are paid off to support this folly.”

Whatever the hell all that gibberish means.

If elected, Kitty promises to do for marijuana what the late Bob Palmer did for barley in the north. If you’re new to Alaska and don’t know about the Great Barley Boondoogle of the 1980s, just imagine the cannibas version of “vast amber waves of grain,” and you’ll get the picture.

But give Kitty a pat on the back for staging the ultimate outsider campaign.  A candidate for office in Alaska can’t be more of an outsider than to actually live Outside.

Then again, South Dakota is a little like Alaska only with a lot more pheasants. In both states, the human population is out numbered by the wildlife population. Those pheasants outnumber people more than 7 to 1 in South Dakota.

The latest S.D. population estimate is 877,790 – only about 140,000 more than Alaska’s 738,068.  If you married the two states, they’d have almost half the population of Los Angeles. 

And though South Dakota might have more people than Alaska, Alaska at least has a real metropolitan area. The Anchorage Metropolitan Statistical Area at over 400,000 is the 134th largest in the nation. The Sioux Falls MSA, the largest in the southernmost Dakota, barely makes the top 200. It’s smaller than Green Bay, Wisc.

Maybe that’s why Hafner wants Alaskans to vote her out of S.D. and move her to metropolitan Washington, D.C. by way of Alaska, which she will finally be called upon to visit if she wins the primary.

Though Hafner is not now an Alaskan, as the Los Angeles Times explains, “under the U.S. Constitution, to serve in Congress one must meet age and citizenship requirements and inhabit the state at the time elected.”

So primary slime-ary.

Hafner does claim to have some idea of what Alaska is like because as a flight attendant she reports using “travel privileges to frequently visit remote places including the mountain regions of Argentina and Chile that have many similarities to the pristine beauty and delicate ecosystems of Alaska,” except wine grapes grow a lot better there and most of the residents speak Spanish.

But what does it matter?

If Hafner wins the primary today, she will have plenty of time to move north to inhabit the state and get to know all about it in the run-up to the November general election.

Oldest Congressman

And in some respects, she’d be the perfect replacement for the now 85-year-old Young,  who was still something of a cheechako from California in 1972 when he lost the election to a dead man only to later win.

His opponent wasn’t actually, officially dead on the day of the election. Incumbent Rep. Nick Begich, D-Alaska, had, however, been missing for weeks on an airplane flight from Anchorage to Juneau with House Majority Leader Hale Boggs, D-La., and everyone presumed both men were dead.

Still, Begich (the father of former Sen. Mark Begich, D-Alaska, now running for governor)  wasn’t declared legally dead until December, a month after Alaskans re-elected him with 54 percent of the vote.

Begich and Boggs were never found. The missing airplane remains missing.

Young got a second chance at Congress in a special election in March of the next year. He won and has been the “Congressman for All Alaska” ever since. He is now the longest serving member of the House of Representatives.

Down south in the Mount Rushmore State, Kitty has read up on Young and believes he needs to be voted out of office because, in her own words on her own webpage:

“I have never pulled a knife on anybody in Congress. I have never pulled an 18 inch whale penis bone on anybody in Congress. ”

Oh, and Young is a “sexist and a bigot.” Kitty isn’t big on her Democrat opponents either. Stealing a line from candidate Donald Trump, she has labeled them “Lying Alyse” and “Outsourcing Dimitri,” whatever that means. 

None of the other candidates have labeled Kitty anything.. Too bad. Think of the fun Young, who hung the “Captain Zero” label on poor Sean Parnell, could have had with Kitty.

Crazy Kitty seems almost too easy, but it has a nice ring to it in more ways than one. Consider this, her plan for replacing the falling oil revenues that have supported Alaska since the mid-1970s:

“If we can get the federal cannabis laws changed, the extensive Alaska summer sunlight hours can produce bumper crops for export. But the key here is changing the federal law. Shipping out-of-state to, for example, New York and Las Vegas could bring in substantial revenue that could be earmarked to fund education for Alaskans. Jobs would be created and education generously funded — a winning combination for everyone. Additionally, the medical benefits available via cannabis would reduce the opiate option for medical use.”

Ah yes, daily flights of weed to New York and Las Vegas from the vast seas of green in the 49th state to give Americans a perfect Arctic high.

Maybe someone should ship some marijuana to Kitty in her post office box in Box Elder, SD.  Or call her – she has an Alaska phone number: (907)313-7379 – and invite her to come pick it up.

The phone was being answered with a recording featuring a male voice on Monday night. She was thus unavailable to comment on where she plans to spend election night with the 22 people who have liked the Carol Hafner for Congress Facebook page since the day after the Fourth of July. 










22 replies »

  1. So Craig, what does it say about Alaskans, our world, that this joke in search of a vote got over 5000(!) of them?

    • Joe: i’d say it likely says the same thing many of the votes for Trump said. there are a lot of people fed up with the way government works today and where it is going. they just want to blow up the system.

      or they wanted a lawmaker named “Kitty.”

      pick one.

  2. She’s not much worse than Ross Bieling. Dude can’t get elected for office in Florida. So a few years ago he loads up his carpet bag and heads to Alaska, to try and buy his way into office here. Why? Who knows. Not even they know. Nut cases. All of them.

  3. “Crazy kitty” would work, maybe “Scary kitty” be better.

    I know Alaska because I’ve been to Chile, and Argentina. Excuse my French but “WTF”
    I’m in Alaska and I know jack about about Chile and Argentina.
    If you’re going to represent a state like Alaska, at least have the balls to live it, and know all its people.. you’ll have plenty of time to live in Georgetown and loose touch with the people/reality.

    Onto her plan, if they changed federal law then every state would grow it’s own, no need to import. Besides the American way is to import from China or Mexico so why would they need an American growing it.

    I’m always good for better but this isn’t it. And the arrogancy of it all, geeze.

  4. Wow, what a waste of your time and effort. You found the lowest hanging wing nut and took her on. Bravo. Quite an achievement. You’ve saved Alaska from a cataclysm. Pathetic. Why don’t you take Young on for size? And I don’t mean in the har dee har har fashion you’re so fond of.
    Oh and Brian, not in your wildest dreams would Alaska be remotely as successful economically as California has been under Democrats. Enough budget surplus to buy this state for starters.

    • Joe: it was humor. i thought in these times we could all use a laugh. don’t take things so seriously. Crazy Kitty is funny. and she did a great job of self promotion. Google her up. not many no-name, not-a-chance-in-hell candidates get the attention she managed to garner.

      • Craig, I appreciate that it was T in C but I disagree with you, these are precisely the times that call for good reporters like you to devote all your energies to the task at hand. Not to be melodramatic but SHIT IS REAL.

  5. Pick a state, any state and it is always the same – “to fund education and the elderly”. Remember when the lottery in various states was sold as “to fund education”? Same with Red Light cameras. Now it is “fund marijuana for education”. My guess is as usual, little of this new found “gold” will reach the schools. If it does, it will come with strings.

    • You know I forget this sometimes. You bring up a great point on these pocket stuffing thieves.
      Lottery, you know they’re raking in the money on that, yet when the people in those states that have the lottery receive their property tax bill, school is the biggest chunk in the breakdown of those taxes, and they keep going up, and the schools keep saying they need more..

  6. Had I read this before I early voted I’d have gone for ole Kitty from somewhere unknown. Seems I just can’t resist lipstick and political theater.

  7. Don’t become another Democrat “nanny” state:
    “In the latest episode of “Banished!” by the People’s Republic of California, Governor Jerry Brown is likely to sign a bill that prohibits restaurants from offering anything other than milk or water with their kids’ meals, under the pretense of preventing obesity.” The State knows best.

  8. Look how failed, disasterous Democrat policies ruined the whole West Coast, North East, and in between. Trust me, you don’t want Marxist Democrats to ruin Alaska to. VOTE NO TO DEMOCRATS!!

    • Bryan,
      “Marxist Democrats”? Really? That the best you can do?
      How about a discussion on the two payouts, before the ‘16 election, that our President directed Cohen, to take care of? Any thoughts on that?

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